My Struggle With Depression and Anxiety.

Hey sisters what's up! Today I am back and better than ever with another blog! Thank you to those who read my previous ones I really appreciate it! I have decided to do a more serious topic. One that a lot of people around the world may struggle with and that is anxiety and depression.



Background Information:

Millions of Americans a year struggle with depression and anxiety. These illnesses come in many different forms- seasonal, major, chronic, manic, etc. Sometimes it may even come to the point where it greatly affects concentration no matter how hard you try, it begins to affect your motivation, and many other aspects of everyday functions. It is very complex and involves a plethora of systems in the body as well as your immune system. It has the ability to disrupt your appetite, your bedtime, and in some cases it could cause weight loss or weight gain.



Personal Story: Depression

 I've always had a struggle with my weight going back to when I was in the 5th grade when I would get made fun or for my looks by the other boys and girls. I would often try to not let it get to me; all of the jokes and laughter, but it prevailed , I was defeated and allowed their words to control my happiness and  my life. I remember one time when I was in the 6th grade someone had told me I was fat, and instantly I felt as if I was falling into a black hole because the cycle was repeating again from the previous times I was called fat. I just felt stupid and humiliated. After that moment I didn't eat that entire day and when the next day rolled around I felt like a completely different person. I began to watch what I ate and worry about gaining too much weight. I  was a mess and for someone in middle school, I shouldn't have been going through that because I , in my opinion was too young to understand and worry about my body because I was still developing and learning. But as I got older and my body started to change I became more obsessed with my body and exercise. I would constantly tell myself "just keep going" "sooner or later you'll have the perfect body, and everything will be fine" but it couldn't help or take away the fact that I am still hurting inside and I didn't know how to help myself feel full or happy again. While in school I always did my best and even tried to go beyond my best and be greater. I always tried to learn as best as I can and make my parents proud. But it still wasn't enough. I was still a failure and I couldn't find my way back to the days that were exciting and where I was genuinely happy and content with how I lived and my mental health . Now don't get me wrong I have the best parents and a great little brother and I've been so fortunate and blessed with the things I have obtained, but it wasn't enough. I still felt like I was missing something and I made myself feel worse by searching for that something, the one thing to make me feel complete. As I got older it grew more and more and my feeling of emptiness got large. As I got into my teens I began to feel a lack of purpose and meaning which are probably the two most essential things in life. I began to feel like I was hating everything, nothing could bring me happiness because I felt like I was filled with so much hatred when I couldn't even explain why. There would be times where I didn't even want to be around my friends because I didn't feel like my normal self which is the coffee crazy, self loving, kind person I know to be, I started to stop  playing my instruments and started to plummet in my talents and I just lost an interest in the things I used to do that were meant to better myself. I became ugly in ways I saw change but maybe others didn't.  But it doesn't have to be that way. We each can find meaning in our lives in different ways. But when we get to the point of giving in to emptiness as being the norm we spiral down a road to more serious emotional and medical problems. Now I am not saying that everyone feels this way or agrees I am just explaining how I feel and what I have experienced in the past and what I have been experiencing. But one thing that has continued to help me was my growing relationship with God. There may have been times where I would blame my pain and suffering on him but as I continued to listen and read the bible I realized that I am perfect in my own way, that there are different things and distinctions that make people different from all of those around us, and as I continue to grow spiritually and mentally I believe that little by little my hatred towards myself will begin to dissolve.


How I try to Calm myself:

•  Some days I just feel worthless and I feel like I am not really living and that I am just dreaming so my mind just drifts off into nothingness to the point where I feel like I'm nothing but walking flesh. Whenever this happens I go into a state of feeling like I'm floating on a cloud drifting off into the abyss and I just stay there. I just lay down and take a few minutes or hours to myself. This is how I stop myself from the feeling of confusion. It almost feels like slowly sinking into a deep sleep.
• Another way is that I write down what I am feeling even if it doesn't make sense and I keep track of all the times I have felt this way weather   I write it in a poem or a short story or list. It helps me vent so I don't over think.
• Go to my bedroom and turn off all of the lights and close the door so I can sit in pure silence. I say pure silence because to me when there is a light on in my room when I'm trying to relax or sleep sometimes it creates an allusion of there being a lot of noise or a lot going on at once.
•  Listening to Erik Satie and Beethoven also helps because their songs are so soothing.
• Last but not least. Reading the bible and growing closer to God! But im not saying that you have to do this.

How it correlates with your brain: 

• Depression and anxiety affect your brain in a unique way. As depression or anxiety takes its toll our brain chemistry begins to change and often times we may need medicine but most importantly we need help more than anything. We need someone to listen and not judge or say insensitive things. But lets get one thing straight, mental illnesses are not a weakness, it is not something strange or alien, its not something that is temporary or a choice and it is not a ruse for attention. That is one thing we all need to remember. When it comes to depression, what it is, is a habitual pattern of misaligned brain chemicals; its where our brain messages or neurons excessively occur and large amounts of cortisol is released. Cortisol is used to help regulate and control blood sugar levels, metabolism, reduce inflammation, and assist with your memory formulation. This is sent to the brain in response to a stressful event causing you to feel a bit odd. But Anxiety is a little different. Anxiety is characterized more by  the feeling of fear, worry, or anxiety that is strong enough to interrupt and interfere with ones daily activities and functions.  

Personal story: Anxiety

My struggle with anxiety is not as serious as others may be, and I know. I don't want someone to feel like I am making light of this situation because someone else may be struggling a lot more than I am. I am fully aware of how much worse it could be for someone else. But I will continue.  Before I moved to Oklahoma I was stationed in Alabama and about 5 days before our move I hung out with my friends  before leaving. So we decided to ride bikes but I didn't have one because it was packed so I just walked. As we are just going about our day we see our friend Peters dog just sitting on the front porch but Peter and his family are out on vacation so it was really weird. Normally she is in the fence but it was too short so it was no surprise she finally decided to jump right over it. So of course we make eye contact but we didn't call it over and once we stopped  we continued to go about are day, until the dog got up and began to trot towards us. Once she made her way over she just sat down in front of me but I slowly decided to just continue on, then out of nowhere the dog let out a large bark and Chomp! She bit me but it wasn't deep! So instantly I fell to the floor screaming and started crying in pain, my friend went to get the neighbor  and told him what happened and he came outside with a leash. Once he put the leash around the dog he walked up to the front door and knocked only to realize they didn't lock any of their doors so he walked right in and put her inside. They helped me up and he ran inside to grab some gauze and call the police who actually were not that far from where we are considering we are located on a base but anyway, he called them and they came to take a statement. We called  the owners of that dog but like I said they were out of town so they couldn't do anything. But once we were all done patching me up my friend helped me get home and I just decided to sit there and rest. At this time I had a daybed which is a regular bed just with a pull out bed underneath for extra use, and it was pretty high off the ground, and slowly I begin to roll over and PLOP! I landed on the floor hitting my eye on the nightstand on my way down landing me with a huge bruise and a scratch on the outside of my eyelid in the corner. I had fallen because I started to have nightmares of the event and I became dizzy. Too much was happening that day and I just felt horrible. Now this happened in June of  2015 and I now have a deadly fear of dogs most importantly German Shepherds and anything other dog of that size. My fear has gotten worse because of the time when my neighbors dog here in Oklahoma, her name is Hannah and she is a Pit bull, had chased me up our street and had me screaming and bursting up into my house. I haven't been right since. I now don't go outside of my house to walk and when I do go outside it is only to quickly water our plants and do daily tasks that involve driving! But I am getting a little better. As time comes I will feel safer and my fear will begin to slip away.

How I Try To Calm Myself:

•  When it comes to my anxiety I actually haven't fully figured out how to calm myself but what I try to do is to not pay attention to when there is a dog weather it is on the leash or not, I do this because I think that maybe if I just don't look it wont see me or pay attention to me. But I still carry the fear that it wont work out for me and I will end up regretting my decision to go out  knowing the possible consequences.
• I breathe at a normal pace and try not to overexert myself  or I tell myself not to worry and I try and find another path.

How it correlates with your brain:

• Anxiety affects your brain sort of like how depression affects your brain. It can cause you to have loss of appetite, muscle tension, headaches, and insomnia. These symptoms have the ability to cause clinical depression because your in a constant state of stress. Anxiety has a double meaning in one hand it can be serious and life threatening but on the other hand anxiety itself is a natural human response. Anxiety simply is a sense of fear and or apprehension that is meant to put you on alert. But biologically it is meant to heighten our sense of awareness so that we are prepared for the potential threats, but often some may feel a sense of excessive anxiety or one may live in a state of constant anxiety which puts you in harm. anxiety can also look like stress but it is not so simple when you bring it to reality because stress can manifest in different ways. These stressors can make someone angry, sad, worried, or anxious, they can also feel, fear, dread, and apprehension like I mentioned. But the problem is you may never really know what is  causing your anxiety because in some cases it can manifest on its own without any type of stressor or motive.  I read that as your brain goes through all of this stress the amygdala, which is the almond shaped structure deep inside the brain and the hippocampus, which is the  center of emotion and memory, do play significant roles in most  of the anxiety disorders increasing your fears, especially the very distinct ones such as, dogs, spiders, or flying.

If you or anyone you know may struggle with mental illness don't be afraid to call one of these numbers:

US Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Chat or Crisis Text line: Text HOME to 741741

NDMDA Depression Hotline-support group: 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline: 630-482-9696

Crisis Help Line-For Any Kind Of Crisis: 800-233-4357



Thank you so much for reading my story!